Help Wanted:: Start Immediately
Personal Assistant to the Office of the Exchequer *
Duties include writing checks to free market companies sending their fat-cat chief officers and profligate executives, and the companions of both sets of these tired and overworked citizens, to swanky 5-star resorts & spas, from whence they are authorizing billions – that’s right, ~illions with a ‘b’ – of dollars in bonus payments to key employees, during the very weeks of their own corporate bankruptcy filings and / or the receipt and deposit of their corporate welfare checks.
*The Office of the Exchequer is an expense center of Home Land Acquisitions, LLC, hereinafter referred to as “HLA,” a socialized privatized desensitized limited liability company (and we mean limited liability) formed under the Home Land Acquisitions Act of 2008.
Disclosure: HLA is owned in equal membership interests by the U.S. Department of Treasury and the Federal Reserve, which are Protectorates of the Peoples Republic of China.
Full Disclosure: Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway owns a controlling interest in China, Bill Gates owns 100% of Warren Buffett and this help wanted ad has been prepared using Microsoft Word 2007.
The Whole Ball of Cheese: HLA is the largest minority shareholder of Microsoft common stock.
Background:
Oracle, SAP, PeopleSoft, and other ERP Software – none of these programs are facile enough for the species of on-the-fly check writing needed by the Office of the Exchequer, such as when government officials and members of the house, senate or administration are “fact-finding” at aforementioned 5-star venues with said business leaders and, while on the 9th fairway with a dog leg left, promise more bail-out money in return for favorable mortgage interest rates for their children, stylists and paramours.
Moreover, those software packages create immutable accounting records, which is contrary to the best interest of the American people. HLA must have the freedom to act quickly and without an audit trail. (See Opacity, under Qualifications, below.)
The initial funding level of the Office of the Exchequer is $700,000,000,000,000.00. However, it is anticipated there is much more where that came from under the Bailout Protection Act of 2008 as amended (“BPA”).
Qualifications:
Excellent Penmanship
The Incumbent will possess beautiful handwriting and be able to elegantly line up 7, 8 or more zeros to the left of the decimal point in that little rectangle box on the checks. The Incumbent must also be able to legibly spell out those long numbers on that short “in the amount of” line.
Opacity
Additionally, Incumbent will be responsible for NOT keeping track of any disbursements, including, but limited to, NOT entering checks amounts in any double entry accounting system or 10-column ledger, NOT maintaining a check registry, NOT writing checks on a wooden surface that may become engraved with incriminating etchings of very long numbers, NOT remembering payees, dates or dollar amounts, thereby retaining a permanent state of plausible deniability, and so forth. Or, NOT so forth. Or is it, So NOT forth? Whatever.
Callousness
Preference will be given to individuals who can demonstrate ennui toward this new form of Redistribution of Wealth, plus the capacity to repress any errant thoughts and have no compunction about using tax dollars of widowed mothers of three young children waiting tables and doing maid service to make ends meet and other hard working decent members of the so-called middle class which ain’t really in the middle any more is it [sound of taking a deep breath] to preserve the incomes of multi-millionaire executives, investment titans and whining managers of institutional funds.
Education:
GED or combination of experience and high-level contacts and connections. Certificate from an accredited beauty school for hair, eyelashes and nails may be substituted for GED.
Requirements:
Ability to Travel
Some travel may be required to clandestine locales to pick up the next batch of blank checks and undisclosed sums of cash sown into the inseam of pants or waists of skirts.
Access to a Physical Address
Must have access to a rotating number of physical addresses, such as neighbors' mail boxes. While checks will be written in the modified privacy of the Incumbent’s residence, Incumbent or Incumbent’s children or Guatemalan domestic help, will dispose of written checks under the newly adopted “½ x Netflix” protocol, whereby outbound-only red envelopes (with red ink) will be picked up from Incumbent’s neighbors' mailboxes every two to three hours seven days a week by FedUPS (formerly FedExUPS).*
* FedUPS is a wholly-owned subsidiary corporation of HLA.
Writing Hand Free of Injury or Disease
No incident of surgery or therapy for, or symptoms of, carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis, polyneuropathy or tennis elbow within the previous 12 years in either the left or right appendages.
Compensation:
Salary
Annual salary will be commensurate with flexibility of thinking and the degree to which scruples do not adversley affect behavior. Salary will be paid in the form of cash to Incumbent and cash "loans" to several layers of corporations that will in turn pay consulting fees to Incumbent. Incumbent has right to use pre-tax dollars in the cash accounts of these several corporations for "business purposes."
Insurance Benefits
The Office of the Exchequer pays 100% of all premiums and deductibles for medical, dental, vision, pharmacy, chiropractic, life, short-term disability, long-term disability, senior care, pet, homeowners, automobile, recreational vehicle, watercraft, rental property, and vacation home insurance, all of which is underwritten by AIG-TGIF, a wholly owned subsidiary of HLA.
BlackBerry Storm
Despite vehement protest by Parlement du Canada, HLA’s recent takeover of Canadian company Research in Motion, the makers of the BlackBerry, has provided unforeseen perquisites for HLA employees. Incumbent and each of his or her family members receives a Storm in his or her choice of color. International service and unlimited minutes, texting, email and internet access are included.
2009 Toyota Prius Hybrid
HLA is Green. HLA cares about the environment. HLA is Drug Free, Tobacco Free, Duty Free, Hormone Free and Guilt Free. Its dining facility serves only free-range meat and poultry. HLA uses only 100% recycled paper (that’s why its documents smell a little fishy). HLA has industry-leading day care for employees as well as for employees' children. While it is true HLA is the only entity in its unique industry, it nonetheless deserves recognition for its family-friendly policies.
American Express Card
The General Accounting Office, the Internal Revenue Service, and State Franchise Tax Boards have no power to audit Incumbent’s financial affairs; HLA and its operatives have been granted, under the BPA, exemption from any form of accountability; no one will know where the Card is used and for how much; besides, the Incumbent will pay the monthly AmEx payments with cashier’s checks purchased with cash provided for that purpose. (See Ability to Travel, under Requirements, above.)
Unlimited Supply of Pens
HLA's standard pen is the Waterman Expert II Rollerball, Black Lacquer Barrel (Item# WAT40021W), only $90 each. At that price Incumbent has wide latitude on how many Waterman's to stash in inventory.
Mortgage Forgiveness
One of HLA's mortgage banks -- it owns them all in the U.S. -- will forgive Incumbent's home mortgage. Did you expect anything less?
Global Immunity In Perpetuity
Essentially an unlimited supply of get out of jail free cards valid in G7 countries and certain totalitarian dictatorships put into power by the CIA.
Multiple Passports and Identities
Just in case future administrations start pointing fingers.... HLA recognizes it’s the little people who take the fall.
Numbered Bank Account
A numbered bank account in one of three safe havens of Incumbent’s choosing in the event HLA fails in its mission to preserve and protect the lifestyle of the rich and richer.
Disclaimer:
For purposes of National Security, until further notice, Home Land Acquisitions, LLC, its owners, its subsidiaries, and its employees, are exempt from anything the EEOC might try to pull, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 as Amended, the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA), the Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 (ERISA), the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), the Women's Health and Cancer Rights Act (WHCRA), the Newborns' and Mothers' Health Protection Act (Newborns' Act), the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA), the Occupational Safety and Health Act (OSHA), the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, officially named the Public Company Accounting Reform and Investor Protection Act of 2002, and every single one of the Bill of Rights.
(c) 2008 Dennis Freire
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